Coronavirus: Millionaires Lose Money in the Crash!

I have shocking news! It’s not about the new Coronavirus that is devastating the world. No, this news is far too important than that! People in the hospitals that are dying of this illness are just not as important as this news!

Did you know that since this new virus took hold, that millionaires are decreasing around the world? it’s true! They are actually losing money! This is because their precious stock market is tanking. All those red numbers must be quite stressful. It makes one want to dip into that caviar. Of course, the supplies are probably getting a little bit lower. Now that the new coronavirus is shut down most of the world, They probably won’t even be able to procure a new supply. That is just so, so, sad.

Are you watching the numbers in your portfolio go down? It must hurt quite a bit to see all those numbers get smaller and smaller. Maybe you’ll have to fire your butler or maybe your maid! You may actually have to make your prime rib dinner yourself! That is so terrible. Oh, you might even have to take out the garbage! Shocking I say! Shocking! Now with everything shut down, you can’t even take your yacht out! That has got to suck.

How’s the wine cellar holding up? Gone through all of those expensive vintages yet? Or are you simply sipping on the $100 bottles? That is tragic indeed. Perhaps you might even have to start buying $12 bottles of wine. You know, that swill that the rest of us buy? Are you starting to look closely at bridges yet? There are some fine ones all over the world. It would make a perfect resting place.

Did you know when we’re not going through terrible viruses that people in this world actually starve to death? It’s true, all over the world children don’t get enough to eat! Do you know why? It’s because they don’t have enough money, unlike you. Their mothers do the most they can for them, but they just don’t have enough money. When you don’t have enough money, you starve to death! I know, it’s quite sad.

Oh, but there’s more! People actually live on the street! Maybe if you lose all of your cash in the stock market crash that is continuing, you’ll have to live on the street too! Just don’t tell anyone on the street that you were a former millionaire. That might not go over too well. If you do end up living on the street and are a former millionaire, make sure you have a really good pair of running shoes. Those might come in handy!

Well, I’ll let you get back to that wine. I know you’re under a lot of stress. This has got to suck for you. Whatever will you do tonight without that five-star restaurant? I suggest mac and cheese. Maybe you can spice it up with a little caviar you have left!

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